Thursday, February 10, 2011

The Results

These past {almost} two weeks have been emotional. Two weeks ago on Friday Justin had his Kayrotypes done to see if he was a "balanced parent" meaning the contributing factor to Vada having Trisomy21. Vada having Translocation Trisomy21 means that Justin has a 1 in 4 chance of having a gene that would forever produce children who would have Down syndrome. If I hadn't had children prior to him (who do not have Trisomy21) then I too would be having this test done because mothers can also be a balance parent.

We were suppose to get the results a week ago, but the weather threw everything off and the tests were done a little later than anticipated making the topics of our conversations throughout the two weeks a little uncomfortable.

Justin has been hurting inside and I knew why. He was secretly going through the process of blaming himself, like I had done so many times before. At one point Justin asked me if the test showed that he did have that gene, would I think differently of him. I love my husband and I wouldn't, but my response wouldn't change anything he was feeling now or would be feeling if the results came back that he had the gene. I know because nothing that anyone ever said made me stop searching for answers as to what I personally may have done to cause Vada having Down syndrome.

---Before I go any further, I feel as if I need to clarify the blaming that I am referring to. When I blame myself in general it usually signifies regret . In this situation, I blamed myself and my choices from when I was pregnant. Like the medications, the hormone injections and so on. I always felt that it was something I did or possibly didn't do that caused Vada to have Down syndrome. Eventually, for me, the reason behind the fact didn't matter. In the end what mattered is what I had/have..., and that's her. Vada is not and never was a regret. I would change nothing about her, nor would I ever blame or be angry with my husband if he were in fact considered a balanced parent. How could I be? He helped give her to me.---

With all of that being said we have spent some time discussing the future and our plans for children in the future and have reached no conclusion. However, in our further discussions we will know that Justin while being a good parent he is NOT a balanced parent. Our chances of having another biological child with Down syndrome is very small.

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