Friday, October 22, 2010

Lookout Tower

Today was the first time that Justin has been able to come to a Neurologist appointment with Vada and I. Jasmine was off because of parent teacher conferences so she came as well. For whatever reason I figured I wouldn't need my camera so I didn't bring it and sure enough I should have.

I have drove the same way to and from Peoria close to a hundred times now, maybe more. I know where the gas stations are that I prefer to stop at, as well as the little town of Galesburg that has a Hy-Vee, if I were to need anything that a gas station couldn't provide.

A little past my half way marker is a rest stop. The only rest stop that I can say that I have ever liked. The Spoon River Lookout Tower-Rest Stop. I have only stopped twice in all of my trips. Once when it was just the girls and I and then again today with Justin and Jasmine. I like it because there is a nicely sized playground in front of the parking lot. So I can pull over, change and nurse Vada while still keeping an eye on the girls as they stretch their legs and play. Plus, behind the playground is two bridges and there is a path to follow to, over and then back from those bridges.

Today, we were running ahead of schedule so we decided to stop. After using the "facilities" we decided to take the path and see where it led us. Apparently, I don't pay much attention to the finer details because I had no idea, up until this very day that there was a huge tower you could go onto. Actually, I didn't pay enough attention to the name of the rest stop. Otherwise, I may have wondered why "Lookout" was in the title. Anyway, Jasmine led us as we walked up a nice set of stairs leading us to the tower. Once we got to the top of the stairs I sat down with Vada. I was nursing her this whole time and I couldn't imagine doing it while I was climbing a tower. The stairs was enough for me.

There is something about nature that comforts me. In one exhale I could feel all of the stress and tension float out of me. The trees were all different shades of colors. The ground was covered in the leaves that could no longer hold on to their branches and a squirrel danced around hunting for his buried treasure. Off in the distance I could hear Jasmines giggles and Justin's voice while he pointed out things to see to her. I sat at the top of the stairs holding Vada and thanked God over and over for that very moment.

When I was pregnant and having to come up every week or so to Peoria the weather was always dreary, rainy and cold. Although we know that it was just the weather, Justin and I had always felt as if it were a sign. We always received bad news on those days. So, I had actually grown accustomed to relying on the weather. By the time I was in the car and on my way to Peoria I had felt as if I already knew how the visit would go. I know it was foolish and actually if I look back almost every visit had some newly discovered piece of information, usually being something negative, so I know that the weather was just a coincidence. Besides, bad news made sense for our situation, considering the only reason I was going to Peoria was due to all of the complications with the pregnancy.

Today, while sitting on the stairs I couldn't help but wish that I could place our future on this moment. It was beautiful, in every way. The only thing that was missing was the sounds of Kilieghs voice.

I have a very hard time not knowing what the future holds. As we are coming to the end of Vada's ACTH treatment I am becoming fearful of God's plan for us again. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to be bitter or resentful or even ungrateful for what God has given me. I want to look at my life like I was looking at this moment. Perfect, beautiful and peaceful. Sometimes its a hard thing to do. I get caught up in a moment and reflect only on that. I am however getting better at seeing the whole picture, so that's a good thing. I am also more aware than of what I do have have and I take glory in that every moment I have!

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