Today has been an emotional day, more so tonight than the day itself. Two weeks ago today was the last time that I breastfed Vada. I'm ashamed to say that I cant recall the exact moment. I don't recall if it was a late night feeding or not. I cant remember where we were sitting or what she was wearing and I don't know if she had just had her bath and still smelled of Bert's Bee's or if that scent had worn away to her natural sweetness. I'm ashamed to say that I must have took that moment for granted, something that I would not have done if I would have known that it would be our last time.
That following day was a Monday and was the day of my surgery (a tonsillectomy for those of you who are wondering). That morning Justin and I dropped Vada off at his parents house. We had thirty minutes to get to the doctors office which gave me enough time to nurse Vada before I left. I knew that it would probably be at least a couple of days until I would feel up to nursing her again, which would mean leaving Vada at the mercy of a sippy cup and solid foods, two things that she still was not fond of-yet. So, I planned on nursing her that morning and then leaving. Vada however, seemed so content in visiting with her Grandma that Justin and I decided to just go on our way.
I cant tell you how those first few days passed. Everyone was here and just above me, our room is in the basement but I was asleep after the first two days and if I was awake it was only to take medication or to throw up (sorry, but that's the reality of it). As far as I knew, from what Justin was telling me, Vada was doing amazing things upstairs.
There were a few of times when the medication had really taken its full effect and I was feeling good enough to get out of bed that I would come upstairs. A couple of those times was when Justin was feeding Vada and he would tell me to go back down because if she saw me then they would both have a hard time. Once he brought her down to see me, only to turn around to take her right back upstairs because she was hungry and missing me. I knew seeing me made it hard for her and that hurt but during this time I couldn't do anything other than comply with what Justin was doing. He was working really hard for me and for Vada and I knew that then as well as now.
This last week has been pretty good. I have still been in a lot of discomfort and to this very day my throat still hurts but as far as Vada goes, it's true that she is doing amazing things. She is drinking from a sippy cup, mostly milk but as of the last two days she has swallowed some juice. She is eating solid foods and each day that passes that too improves. She is napping two times a day and falls asleep about the same times each day. Right now I am trying to wake her between six and seven in the morning and then ive been laying her back down for her nap at ten and then again at two. Although, with the girls' school schedule that may change. Above and beyond the eating and drinking she is showing more of a personalty. Justin thinks it's because she is figuring out how to communicate her likes and dislikes as well as her wants and needs. Makes sense to me. As of today, has just begun walking around things but she thinks that she is going to skip all of the rest and go straight to standing-without something to support her. She goes from a sitting position, into an almost crawl and then to having her legs straight and her butt pointing up and into the air.It's pretty funny and she's pretty amazing.
The only time that she really seems to struggle is at bed time. Tonight was, for whatever reason especially hard. Tonight she reached down my shirt. I could fill her little hand making fists over and over against my chest and then, as if I weren't paying any attention to what she way trying to tell me, she removed her hand, said "MaMa" in a frustrated tone of voice and signed for milk-on the cheek of my face, practically on my eye.
I cried silent tears tonight. They fell lifelessly as I rocked her to sleep. I thought about the last seventeen months and about how we were once told that she probably wouldn't be able to breastfeed. I thought about how so many people look at breastfeeding as a task but I have looked at it as a gift and a blessing. While I understand that this may sound weird to some people, I think to most who have breastfed for more reasons other than because they had to, will understand when I say that I am sadly going to miss this time that her and I shared together. It was so sweet and it is something that I will never experience again.
That following day was a Monday and was the day of my surgery (a tonsillectomy for those of you who are wondering). That morning Justin and I dropped Vada off at his parents house. We had thirty minutes to get to the doctors office which gave me enough time to nurse Vada before I left. I knew that it would probably be at least a couple of days until I would feel up to nursing her again, which would mean leaving Vada at the mercy of a sippy cup and solid foods, two things that she still was not fond of-yet. So, I planned on nursing her that morning and then leaving. Vada however, seemed so content in visiting with her Grandma that Justin and I decided to just go on our way.
I cant tell you how those first few days passed. Everyone was here and just above me, our room is in the basement but I was asleep after the first two days and if I was awake it was only to take medication or to throw up (sorry, but that's the reality of it). As far as I knew, from what Justin was telling me, Vada was doing amazing things upstairs.
There were a few of times when the medication had really taken its full effect and I was feeling good enough to get out of bed that I would come upstairs. A couple of those times was when Justin was feeding Vada and he would tell me to go back down because if she saw me then they would both have a hard time. Once he brought her down to see me, only to turn around to take her right back upstairs because she was hungry and missing me. I knew seeing me made it hard for her and that hurt but during this time I couldn't do anything other than comply with what Justin was doing. He was working really hard for me and for Vada and I knew that then as well as now.
This last week has been pretty good. I have still been in a lot of discomfort and to this very day my throat still hurts but as far as Vada goes, it's true that she is doing amazing things. She is drinking from a sippy cup, mostly milk but as of the last two days she has swallowed some juice. She is eating solid foods and each day that passes that too improves. She is napping two times a day and falls asleep about the same times each day. Right now I am trying to wake her between six and seven in the morning and then ive been laying her back down for her nap at ten and then again at two. Although, with the girls' school schedule that may change. Above and beyond the eating and drinking she is showing more of a personalty. Justin thinks it's because she is figuring out how to communicate her likes and dislikes as well as her wants and needs. Makes sense to me. As of today, has just begun walking around things but she thinks that she is going to skip all of the rest and go straight to standing-without something to support her. She goes from a sitting position, into an almost crawl and then to having her legs straight and her butt pointing up and into the air.It's pretty funny and she's pretty amazing.
The only time that she really seems to struggle is at bed time. Tonight was, for whatever reason especially hard. Tonight she reached down my shirt. I could fill her little hand making fists over and over against my chest and then, as if I weren't paying any attention to what she way trying to tell me, she removed her hand, said "MaMa" in a frustrated tone of voice and signed for milk-on the cheek of my face, practically on my eye.
I cried silent tears tonight. They fell lifelessly as I rocked her to sleep. I thought about the last seventeen months and about how we were once told that she probably wouldn't be able to breastfeed. I thought about how so many people look at breastfeeding as a task but I have looked at it as a gift and a blessing. While I understand that this may sound weird to some people, I think to most who have breastfed for more reasons other than because they had to, will understand when I say that I am sadly going to miss this time that her and I shared together. It was so sweet and it is something that I will never experience again.
2 comments:
This made me cry. I nursed all my girls and felt like it was a blessing too. You will have lots of other special moments with your sweet girl but it is ok to grieve the change. ((hugs))
Yay and so sad. I have been thinking of this future moment a lot lately. Worrying about losing the time when Cora is that type of extension of me. For her first 3 months she didn't nurse. She was in heart failure. After surgery she started and is now a breast loving girl. I wish I could nurse her forever but I know that will not be. So nice to read of other babies who defy the "babies with Ds probably won't breastfeed" curse!
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