Missing my Mom

Today I read a random post on Facebook. It had a photo of a car accident attached with it and there was of a story about a child wanting to buy a doll for his sister, who had also died along with his mother in that same car accident -the accident was caused by a drunk driver, just like my mom's death. I cried a lot while reading this story. It was a sad and touching story that had multiple meanings but everything about it reminded me of my mom and as I read it I not only felt a sadness from the loss of my own mother but an anger towards Christina (the girl who killed my mom in the accident, I know her name because it was in all of the reports).

I would be lying if I said that I haven't looked Christina up online or even on Facebook because I have. I wanted to put a face to her name, to the person who took my mom from me and I have been able to just that through Facebook. Over the past three months I have silently visited her Facebook page. I know this probably makes me sound like I am crazy but I just cant explain why I keep doing it. (I will never actually contact this girl because in my mind it's not the right thing to do.) but I miss my mom so much and it hurts every. single. day. So, sometimes I go to Christina's page and I really do want to write to her, I want to ask this girl if she knows that she caused another persons death, my mother's death. I want to scream at this girl and ask her what she was thinking and of all things why? Other days I actually want to ask her (Christina) if she is doing okay because I know if I caused another persons life to be abruptly taken, I would not be! However, when I look at Christina's Facebook page she posts pictures of herself looking happy and living life- seemingly moving on and it's more than I can take right now. A great deal of me needs to know that she is not happy about what she did and while I am not proud of that part of myself,  I would be lying if I said anything different.

Ultimately, I just want HER BACK! I WANT MY MOM! and no one can ever give her back to me. No amount of money can make up for what was stolen when Christina decided to get into her vehicle drunk and drove the night she took my mothers life. Nothing can. I keep saying "when this is all over and Christina is finally prosecuted my mom will be at peace", but I think what I really mean is that I will be at peace because regardless of the penalties or fines that Christina may be charged with, nothing will ever be enough to make it okay or better -not in this case. Nothing will ever bring my mother back to me. However, when this is all over and through the grace of God, I may be able to find more peace about my mom, the way she was taken from me and her family and my feelings towards Christina, the person who killed her. Until then, my days, each and everyone feel like its own battle.

The Calm

I love that I haven't had a whole lot to write about. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy this blog and the outlet that it has so often provided for me but its nice to have a life that isn't overly interesting to write about.

Things are good. I'm sure that they could be better but I know that they could be worse and have been a lot worse!  

I love this calm that we have settled in and I am thankful for it. I could get into how I am nervous for our future and holding on tight but something was said today during our church service that I needed to hear and that I need to keep repeating to myself ... and now that I think of it ... it doesn't make full sense, HA! So I'll just say that I need to remind myself that God. has. this. under. control.

Now, back to the calm ... 

ahhh, yes, my littlest of littles and I have been spending a lot of our "free" time being pool side. Errr..,  not really, but its a nice thought and that's what counts! We did have a little blow up pool  ("did" and "have" being the key words) but on a recent windy day, it blew away!  

Now we spend our time chillin' at Vada's water table and yes, it is almost as nice as being at a pool. Almost. (wink. wink.)

Notice anything different about Vada? Maybe I am not being helpful enough, its not so much that there is something different about her rather just something new. Ill just get to the point. Check out her forehead. Yep, your looking at another bruise. This time it came from doing a nose dive from the toilet. Let me elaborate a little...

So I am happy to say that Vada knows the signs for "potty" and for "poop". She will use both signs in and at the correct times which I am uber excited about. Sometimes she will even sign "poop" before she begins to go! Yeh, she is pretty much a genius, I know! 

Anyway, Vada is still going to the poop and pee on the toilet and has been for some time now (See 'Number Two, Twice' for more on Vada's first days on the potty.) but she is nowhere near being fully potty trained. Vada can hold herself up on the toilet needing no seat attachments but always needing a "spotter" because, well, she cant walk let alone hop off of the seat and her feet hang about ten inches from the floor! 

Man, I ramble even when I write! 

So, how did Vada get the nastiest of nasty bruises? Well, ill finally tell you. She didn't go pee or poop before getting into her bath on the night of this particular incidence, although I thought that she gave a pretty good attempt at it before hand. So I stuck her into the water only to quickly pull her back out as she began to push a number two out! She did her "business" and was ready to get back into her warm water and instead of signing "bath", "water" or even "all done" which would have given me some warning, she lunged at me or rather through me and landed, head first, on the tile of our bathroom floor! The sound of her head connecting with the tile was sickening and it makes me cringe just thinking about it again! Ugh, I hated that moment and I feel so guilty about it but I think that she hated it even more than I did ... take a look ...

Pretty freakin' scary. If I do say so myself!

This wasn't V's first facial bruise. In fact, there have been plenty. She wears them well but I wish that she would find something else that she finds fashionable because the bruises are so last season and mommy no like!

If you go back to that picture and just look at her as the little toddler than she is and try to blur that green knot on her head out of your minds, then you'll be able to see how big she is beginning to look! This girl is growing! She actually looks like a two year old now! 

I really noticed her length while we were walking to a friends house today. She was in her SmartTrike and I realized that her feet actually touched the foot rests and then some! Pretty soon she will be able to reach the foot pedals and away she will go!

Check out the differences in her length in just a year. The below picture is from today and the ones following are from last summer. 

Summer of 2012

Summer of 2011

Summer of 2011

Summer of 2011

Okay, so maybe I am a bit crazy because now, after taking another look those last three look pretty much the same as the first one but let me tell you, she has grown in weight and in height! :)

Speaking of growth. She recently began standing up without the support of anything or anyone! I know, e.x.c.i.t.i.n.g! But yesterday she did something even more exciting. She took her first two unsupported steps and then again today she took two more!

 If I were a betting for money type of person, I would bet that she doesn't realize what she is doing. She wasn't excited in the least about the fact that she made it from point 'A' to point 'B' and she looked at me like I had lost my marbles, when I began to cheer after she had done so and both times she was very coy about her accomplishment. If I were the betting type of person, I would also bet that the moment she realizes what she is doing, she wont quit and let me tell you, Vada has all of the skills that she needs to walk independently, hell, she could  even run, if she wanted to. She just needs to break out of her comfort zone. I know it's coming and soon! Vada is about to burst into a wonderful new phase in her little life and I am both looking forward to it as well as I already missing the baby that she once was. But progress is always good and always worth celebrating!

Becoming Heart Healthy

"Vada is doing Well."

"She has a tiny VSD and her Tricuspid valve (TR) is somewhat leaky; but these should not cause any problems for her over the next several years. Due to the way the VSD and TR interact, I would like to see her back in three months to re-check an echo and look for signs of pulmonary hypertension." 

The above was the doctors notes on today's discharge papers for Vada.

Vada had a check-up appointment with her cardiologist today. It was a routine visit and from the conversation that we had with this doctor during our last appointment in September of 2011 I thought that today's visit would be full of good news as well as with a one year pass between now and our next appointment. 

I wasn't completely wrong. But I wasn't right either.

It turns out that Vada is not finished on her healthy heart journey. 

If you take a look at the above diagram, I will try to explain. Vada still has a small hole in her Left Ventrical. In situations like this, typically, that hole would push blood towards the Right Ventrical. However, Vada's blood flow is going towards her Right Atrium instead. Her Tricuspid Valve is still leaking at a mild to moderate rate, which is also something not new news to us. Through the echo that was done today, it looks as if the blood that's being pushed from her LV is flowing over the TR leak, which could be a good thing compared to the other option which would be PH, and that's all I really remember about our conversation. I did ask about if  V's heart would or could repair itself overtime but due to the fact that she was born with a "unhealthy heart" it highly unlikely and not anticipated by the cardio team. When I asked about Vada having to  need another surgery her doctor said what he noted and what I shared in the beginning of this post.

The way that I am taking this all in and understanding things is that Vada may not need surgery now, but within the next couple of years another OHS wouldn't be a surprise. But then again I am not the doctor. In three months, at our next cardio appointment we will re-check everything and I will have a better idea and understanding about whats really going on and what to expect. 

What I do know now is that instead of moving to yearly check-ups we have moved back to every three months but I am grateful that Vada has a fantastic Cardiologist and team working hard to make sure that her heart is a healthy one and I am going to keep thanking God for that!

 Ive been reading this great book called The Resolution for Women and in it the author talks about living for what matters most. She writes that today, this very moment is a once in a life time experience and by rushing through it (or in this case by letting the fears of the future possibilities consume me) I am devaluing this very moment and the blessings in it. I dont want to let fear take over like I allowed it to do before. I have no idea what all of this new heart information means or what our future holds for us but I do know that I rocked my baby girl to sleep tonight. I held her, smelled her, kissed her and told her that I love her. That was a gift and a moment that I lived in. I choose to be content in this season of my life and I have faith that God has this under control. (But I will continue to update on how things are going. Wink. Wink.)

Celebrating With Rainbows

Before the guests had arrived I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror finishing my make-up when Justin's mom peeked in and asked if I was doing ok. I guess that I was being pretty quiet that morning and looking back I'm sure that I was. I had been internally processing the last two and a half years. I had been thinking of everything that we as a family had gone through (good and bad), I had been saying silent prayers of gratitude to God for allowing this day to come. No, nothing was wrong, for once everything felt right. Everything.

When I originally choose rainbows for Vada's "theme" I couldn't explain why, it just felt like the perfect idea,  but the night before her party, when I was doing some last minute preparations, I realized that It wasn't just because of the vibrant beautiful colors (although those were an added bonus). Ultimately, I feel that I chose rainbows because rainbows reminds me of Gods promise to Noah. Rainbows seemed fitting for this particular celebration. In my heart we were not only celebrating Vada's second birthday but we were also celebrating her life and a life that has been fought to live, a life that has taught others how to live and we were also celebrating our hopes that all of our tomorrows will be just as beautiful as these last two and a half years have been.

Maybe I am naive.

Maybe I read into things too much.

Maybe, but from where I am standing I am only seeing God's rainbow. When I thought that He was flooding our lives I now see that He was only building us up and I am grateful for every moment of these these last two and a half years because God has been molding me and my family. We are better people for what we have come together to go through with and for Vada. I wouldnt change a thing.

So rainbows it was...


I can not claim credit for the ideas used for decorating Vada's party, most of them I actually found on  Pinterest. So there's no need to give me credit for "thinking outside of the box." I copied and where we had new ideas, well, those came from my husband, Justin. :) He is a pretty amazing man, which I am sure that I have mentioned on several other occasions and yes, I admit that I am "uber" biased but he is my husband! When I told him originally what I wanted to do for V's party I know that I must have overwhelmed him because he knew that this would also mean a lot of work for him but he agreed to help and together with the help of his parents we did it and I think that the day was as close to perfect as perfect gets!

Vada's six layer Rainbow cake. We didn't flavor the different colors different flavors because we thought that it may be an overwhelming explosion of flavors when combined, so we stuck with whatever flavor white cake tastes like. I was told that it tasted like "YUM!".

Almond bark covered Oreo cookies.

Strawberry soda, Orange soda, Lemonade, Ginger-ale, blue Mt. Dew and Grape soda. We took their original labels off and replaced them with our own.

My husband Justin and his father Jim did the balloons. I showed Justin a picture, said this is what I want done and ordered the balloons. Im not for sure how they did this. I know that there is a string and the balloons are tied to it. :) 

Somewhere I saw a similar set up with the age spelled out. Justin used the strips that he had made on photoshop and used not only for Vada's invitations but practically everything else that went into the party, for out spelled out age photos. These were made on photoshop and printed on my large photoprinter. We used foam board on the back to hold them up and thats it, their just pictures that look like they have been framed.

The "candy bar" was another idea that I found on Pinterest. From Left to right we had Rainbow Gold Fish Crackers, Mike and Ike, Skittles, Rainbow Twizlers, Rainbow Suckers, Gum Balls, M&M's, and Gummy Bears. I should have also handed out toothbrushes and toothpaste but I didnt.

Justin made the bases the day of the party. He hand painted them and drilled holes into them so that the ka-bob's would fit perfectly. In our minds we kind of look at the stands like a grassy hill. 

Jello filled orange slices. I am not a jello fan, in fact jello will never touch these lips but when I saw this idea I thought it was perfect for the party. How did I do it? I cut three oranges in halves. I then took a knife and cut about a half of an inch into the white part of the orange, making a cut all of the way around. Then I took a ice cream scooper and scooped the orange  out in one full scoop. Super simple! I then made my jello as directed on the box only adding about 1/4 cup less of water and poured it into the orange peel bowls. After all of the bowls were filled with their different colors I sat them in a muffin pan for extra stabliness and then placed them into the refrigerator. After the jello sets you slice and serve. Again, super simple and super pretty!

Noah looked up. The storm clouds were drifting away, the bright sun was shining against Noah's back. And against the dark grey sky, God made a brilliant rainbow appear. God said to Noah,

“You see, I have set my rainbow in the sky. This will be the sign of the covenant I have made with you and all creatures, never again to destroy the earth by a flood. It will always remind us of the promise between you and me.”

So, the next time you see a rainbow, think of Noah and the flood. Remember that God loves you, and that no matter how bad the storm, there will always come a bright new day.

It makes me a little nervous to openly admit this but I feel like our personal storm may be over. While I don't know what our futures hold or what Gods plans are for our family Id like to believe that maybe He had His hand in our party planning and that this celebration wasnt just about Vada turning two but also about a fresh start and a new year. Call it what you want but I call it Faith and God couldn't have given us a more beautiful day to celebrate it all than this one.

A special Thank you to Mom and Dad Wilson, for all of your help and support, not just on Vada's birthday this year but everyday. We are also better people and parents because we have you!

On the Night You Were Born

Yesterday Vada and I went to Barns and Noble, actually, we went to the mall and then because it's located inside of the mall (and also because of our love of books) we had to stop in. We read all kinds of books and Vada did some exploring of the children's section, while capturing the attention (and hearts, I'm sure) of many. We left the store with one new book, On the Night You Were Born, by Nancy Tillman. Have you read it? We have a lot of books like this one, books that give me the goosebumps when I read them to my girls, because they come close to putting into words just how much I love them. This one however, is one of my all time favorites, now. Let me tell you why...

Last night was a long night for me, Vada too. We didn't get a whole lot of sleep because Vada kept waking up. She doesn't have a fever and she has no signs that she is sick but over the last week and a half she has cut two of her two year molars and she now has two of her front bottom teeth cutting through. I think that has a lot to do with my lack of sleep and her restlessness. Anyway, I woke up this morning and Vada and I headed over to a friend of ours dry cleaning business. On the weekends Justin usually goes over and cleans for them but today he had to work and last night we went to the movies and didn't get home until late, so I did it for him. By the time I finished I had about an hour left until our second service at Church started. I still needed to clean up and change so Vada and I went home. By the time we got here I just wanted to get into my "comfy clothes" and take a nap. I was seriously contemplating doing so when I caught Vada playing with the book that we had bought the day before. I sat down and watched her while she turned the pages and babbled out loud, as if she were actually reading to me. I took a couple of pictures because I thought it was so cute and after a couple of minutes Vada closed the book and handed the book to me.

Everyday at Vada's nap times and then at her bed time we have been reading different versions of Children's Bibles. As I was holding onto the book that she handed me I thought of those stories and I knew that I needed to get off of my butt, get dressed and go to church and I did.

One of our Elders gave the sermon today. He started out by reciting a poem that sounded very familiar to me. I listened to be sure and then once he had finished I leaned forward to my friend sitting in the pew ahead of me and said "How crazy is it that I just bought that book?" This was the poem from the book that I had just bought, the one that reminded me of my love for my children. It was the same book that reminded me of Jesus' love for all of His children and it for whatever reason it had made its way to our church sermon. It felt as if Jesus himself were thanking me for coming today and I knew that I was right where I was suppose to be.


I never did take a nap today. Instead I came home and played with Vada and then cleaned while she was napping. All day I had a warmth in my heart and a smile on my face. And now this book holds a special meaning to me that no amount of words could express...

Some people believe that things are coincidental but that's just not me. I believe that God "speaks" to us in different ways and that if we slow down and pay attention we might just "hear" what He is trying to tell us. Its funny how His messages reach us and that today his came to from a children's book.

On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered,

"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you...

ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain 

that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

The sound of your name is a magical one.

Let's say it out loud before we go on.

It sailed through the farmland

high on the breeze...

Over the ocean...

And through the trees...

Until everyone heard it

and everyone knew

of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes,

such a nose,

such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

In fact I think I'll count to three

so you can wiggle you toes for me.

When the polar bears heard, 

they danced until dawn.

From faraway places,

the geese flew home. 

The moon stayed up until

morning next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

and wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

listen for the geese honking high in the sky.

(They're singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep in the zoo.

(It's because they've been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely... it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

it's because they're hoping to see you smile...

For never before in a story or rhyme

(not even once upon a time)

has the world ever known a you, my friend,

and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet 

and played every horn

on the wonderful, marvelous 

night you were born.

On the Night You Were Born

By: Nancy Tillman

Thank You Lord, I See...

Today, Vada and I went to Peoria. She had a check-up with her Cardiologist, Dr. Bramlett. It was the quickest appointment that we have ever had in Peoria. All good news. Nothing new and we wont go back for another six months!!! Dr. Bramlett still heard the murmur (which we were told was still there following the surgery) but he said that it is really "soft" and not anything for concern. He said as far as Vada's "case" goes, "she is best case scenario".  She doesn't need to have Synagis (RSV) injections this fall and he doesnt foresee any complications in the future. After this next appointment (the one in six months), if all is well, then we may go as far out as a year before having to see him again. We like Dr. Bramlett, he's a good doctor and seems to be a nice man but not needing to see him is a good thing my friends! It signifies more growth and more progress for Little Miss Vaders!

Vada was weighed and measured today and while she hasn't gained any weight, she has grown in length! She weighs seventeen pounds-nine ounces and is twenty-nine inches long! For a girl who was stuck at twenty-five inches for over six months, this too is progress. Actually, I stand corrected, it's growth!

On the way home my heart was overflowing with warmth and happiness. It finally feels as if we have our girl and our life. Things feel safe and "Normal".

I find myself staring at Vada all of the time. Sometimes its with amazement, other times its with wonder and then other times it's been with fear. Today, I looked at her and finally, finally it didn't feel like I was going to loose her. It felt like I could breath again and like that damn elephant that found a resting spot on me had picked its huge ass up and off of my chest. It's nice to take deep breaths again and to not feel some sort of pain attached to them.

My faith in God is here, I haven't lost it and while it has done some teetering throughout these many months of stress and ciaos it has always remained strong.

... and that family that I prayed for as a child... well, tonight as we were getting ready to have dinner God showed me again, how very, very blessed I am. It was like He was screaming at me... "Look at the husband I gave you, the father that you asked for. Look at your daughters, your children, the siblings that you wanted. I have answered your prayers. I was listening... Look."

Thank you Lord, I see. Thank you for all that you have given to me. Thank you for the strength that you have given to me and to my family and thank you for answering all of my prayers.

Summertime Grillin'

I can handle the heat of our Midwest summers but the humidity is something that tends to keep me indoors and hiding behind (or in) the air conditioning. On the days when the humidity is low I do venture outdoors and enjoy the warmth of the season. I truly do enjoy being outdoors-it's just a conditional relationship and I know that all too soon I will be complaining (even if only internally) that it is too cold! So, today Justin and I, at the very last moment decided to not only go to the park but to also grill and have our dinner there as well. Which, by the way, was a fabulous idea!

It took us all of ten minutes of frantic running throughout the house to grab the essentials and then we packed up the car and headed out.

With three children and a husband who are all on different schedules, planning our events, tends to be the only way that we can make "outings" run smoothly. However, a little spontaneity here and there does us all good! Its fun to throw caution to the wind and to "go with the flow" even if today that only meant that we were all taking an unplanned trip to the park.

The only thing that we did end up forgetting was some bug spray and a pan to cook the beans in. Luckily, there was a gas station near by that carried some bug repellant and we ended up sitting the can of beans directly onto the grill. The beans ended up being my favorite part out of our whole meal. I had never had them cooked like that and the smoke from the flames had changed the flavoring in the yummiest way!

I truly love these moments of "family together time". My heart always feels as its glowing from the inside out. Its possible that the summer heat may also have something to do with that feeling. Or indigestion fro the beans? Anyway, its kind of funny how something as simple as going to the park with my whole family can rejuvenate me (and sometimes wear me out all at the same time). Getting away from our everyday hustle and bustle can be so refreshing!

 

When I was little and in foster homes I prayed for days and moments like these.

I prayed for a husband who would love me for who I was and who would treat our children with tenderness.

I prayed for family to play with, explore with, discover life together with and to grow old with.

I find it odd that when I was young I would pray for these things but when I was a teenager (who of course knew everything), I didn't think that I needed anyone, including God to feel happy or complete. Around the single digit age I would pretend to be the "mommy" in all of my games and as a teenager I had always said that I wouldn't be one.Yet here I am, a wife and a mother of three beautiful and amazing girls. While there are days that I go to bed crying from pure exhaustion and (or) frustration there are many more uplifting and positive days, like this one, that reboot me and keep me going strong.

I love being a wife and I love being a mother.  I don't know how I could ever live my life any other way than this. There are many times that I have found myself wondering what did God put me on this earth for. What's my purpose or my calling? Truthfully, I think I am actually doing what He has called me to do. I may not be doing it the exact way that He had originally planned for me to do it and I have made my fair share of daily mistakes but sometimes I feel like God intended me to be a stay at home mother. He intended for me to be what I never had. On really hard days I like to tell myself that this is a possibility and it makes it a bit easier to endure.

I prayed for my days to be full of life, love and happiness and boy has my prayers been answered!