Friday, August 2, 2013

Missing my Mom

Today I read a random post on Facebook. It had a photo of a car accident attached with it and there was of a story about a child wanting to buy a doll for his sister, who had also died along with his mother in that same car accident -the accident was caused by a drunk driver, just like my mom's death. I cried a lot while reading this story. It was a sad and touching story that had multiple meanings but everything about it reminded me of my mom and as I read it I not only felt a sadness from the loss of my own mother but an anger towards Christina (the girl who killed my mom in the accident, I know her name because it was in all of the reports).

I would be lying if I said that I haven't looked Christina up online or even on Facebook because I have. I wanted to put a face to her name, to the person who took my mom from me and I have been able to just that through Facebook. Over the past three months I have silently visited her Facebook page. I know this probably makes me sound like I am crazy but I just cant explain why I keep doing it. (I will never actually contact this girl because in my mind it's not the right thing to do.) but I miss my mom so much and it hurts every. single. day. So, sometimes I go to Christina's page and I really do want to write to her, I want to ask this girl if she knows that she caused another persons death, my mother's death. I want to scream at this girl and ask her what she was thinking and of all things why? Other days I actually want to ask her (Christina) if she is doing okay because I know if I caused another persons life to be abruptly taken, I would not be! However, when I look at Christina's Facebook page she posts pictures of herself looking happy and living life- seemingly moving on and it's more than I can take right now. A great deal of me needs to know that she is not happy about what she did and while I am not proud of that part of myself,  I would be lying if I said anything different.

Ultimately, I just want HER BACK! I WANT MY MOM! and no one can ever give her back to me. No amount of money can make up for what was stolen when Christina decided to get into her vehicle drunk and drove the night she took my mothers life. Nothing can. I keep saying "when this is all over and Christina is finally prosecuted my mom will be at peace", but I think what I really mean is that I will be at peace because regardless of the penalties or fines that Christina may be charged with, nothing will ever be enough to make it okay or better -not in this case. Nothing will ever bring my mother back to me. However, when this is all over and through the grace of God, I may be able to find more peace about my mom, the way she was taken from me and her family and my feelings towards Christina, the person who killed her. Until then, my days, each and everyone feel like its own battle.

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