These past {almost} two weeks have been emotional. Two weeks ago on Friday Justin had his Kayrotypes done to see if he was a "balanced parent" meaning the contributing factor to Vada having Trisomy21. Vada having Translocation Trisomy21 means that Justin has a 1 in 4 chance of having a gene that would forever produce children who would have Down syndrome. If I hadn't had children prior to him (who do not have Trisomy21) then I too would be having this test done because mothers can also be a balance parent.
We were suppose to get the results a week ago, but the weather threw everything off and the tests were done a little later than anticipated making the topics of our conversations throughout the two weeks a little uncomfortable.
Justin has been hurting inside and I knew why. He was secretly going through the process of blaming himself, like I had done so many times before. At one point Justin asked me if the test showed that he did have that gene, would I think differently of him. I love my husband and I wouldn't, but my response wouldn't change anything he was feeling now or would be feeling if the results came back that he had the gene. I know because nothing that anyone ever said made me stop searching for answers as to what I personally may have done to cause Vada having Down syndrome.
---Before I go any further, I feel as if I need to clarify the blaming that I am referring to. When I blame myself in general it usually signifies regret . In this situation, I blamed myself and my choices from when I was pregnant. Like the medications, the hormone injections and so on. I always felt that it was something I did or possibly didn't do that caused Vada to have Down syndrome. Eventually, for me, the reason behind the fact didn't matter. In the end what mattered is what I had/have..., and that's her. Vada is not and never was a regret. I would change nothing about her, nor would I ever blame or be angry with my husband if he were in fact considered a balanced parent. How could I be? He helped give her to me.---
With all of that being said we have spent some time discussing the future and our plans for children in the future and have reached no conclusion. However, in our further discussions we will know that Justin while being a good parent he is NOT a balanced parent. Our chances of having another biological child with Down syndrome is very small.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Who's Under the Bed
Reading is something that I have always enjoyed doing. To me finding and reading a good book is like watching a fantastic movie that lasts for hours, sometimes even days. I find reading relaxing and I enjoy sometimes living vicariously through the characters that I read about.
Reading is a past time that I also want my children to enjoy, so I read to them nightly. I look forward to the adventures that we share together through reading and I hope that someday they too will enjoy reading as much as I do. I also hope that someday when they are older they will associate reading with special memories that the had with me, Mom.
Each night I read to Kiliegh first. She is the youngest of the two older girls. Plus once her head hits the pillow she's out. So I have to get into her room quickly! Were reading a new book this week. It's one that her grandmother bought for here when her school had a Grandparents day. Its a cute book about a little girl in ballet. Its fitting for Kiliegh, who is the dancer in our family. Plus the character has red hair and freckles, which is something Kiliegh pointed out immediately to being just like her.
After I read to Kiliegh I cross the hall to Jasmines room. We are also reading a new book. We started the first book in the Kids Left Behind series. I personally read the first three in the adult series but then they became a bit redundant and I didn't make it any further. I am looking forward to this particular quest with Jasmine. It'll be a journey worth the travels, for both of us.
Vada usually comes with me into each girls room. I think that its good for her to see and hear us reading together. I read to Vada as well. Usually, it's just later in the evening than when I read to the "big" girls.
Tonight after reading to Kiliegh, Vada and I went into Jasmines room. Vada was a bit too antsy to hold while attempting to read, so we cleared off the floor and laid Vada onto the carpet. I was hoping that she would occupy herself so I could at least get one chapter read with Jasmine.
I was about half way into the chapter when Jasmine and I heard a soft knocking sound. We looked at each other with curiosity and before I had a chance to check on Vada we heard the knocking again. This time we knew where the sound was coming from, it was from underneath the bed.
Vada had rolled right under Jasmines bed. The knocking noise that we had heard just moments before making our discovery was Vada bumping her head on the box spring mattress. She didn't cry or fuss she just looked a bit confused. I easily pulled her out from under the bed and we kissed her all over. This time instead of laying her back onto the carpet we brought her into bed with us and finished our chapter. I guess Vada wanted to go on her own little adventure tonight.
Reading is a past time that I also want my children to enjoy, so I read to them nightly. I look forward to the adventures that we share together through reading and I hope that someday they too will enjoy reading as much as I do. I also hope that someday when they are older they will associate reading with special memories that the had with me, Mom.
Each night I read to Kiliegh first. She is the youngest of the two older girls. Plus once her head hits the pillow she's out. So I have to get into her room quickly! Were reading a new book this week. It's one that her grandmother bought for here when her school had a Grandparents day. Its a cute book about a little girl in ballet. Its fitting for Kiliegh, who is the dancer in our family. Plus the character has red hair and freckles, which is something Kiliegh pointed out immediately to being just like her.
After I read to Kiliegh I cross the hall to Jasmines room. We are also reading a new book. We started the first book in the Kids Left Behind series. I personally read the first three in the adult series but then they became a bit redundant and I didn't make it any further. I am looking forward to this particular quest with Jasmine. It'll be a journey worth the travels, for both of us.
Vada usually comes with me into each girls room. I think that its good for her to see and hear us reading together. I read to Vada as well. Usually, it's just later in the evening than when I read to the "big" girls.
Tonight after reading to Kiliegh, Vada and I went into Jasmines room. Vada was a bit too antsy to hold while attempting to read, so we cleared off the floor and laid Vada onto the carpet. I was hoping that she would occupy herself so I could at least get one chapter read with Jasmine.
I was about half way into the chapter when Jasmine and I heard a soft knocking sound. We looked at each other with curiosity and before I had a chance to check on Vada we heard the knocking again. This time we knew where the sound was coming from, it was from underneath the bed.
Vada had rolled right under Jasmines bed. The knocking noise that we had heard just moments before making our discovery was Vada bumping her head on the box spring mattress. She didn't cry or fuss she just looked a bit confused. I easily pulled her out from under the bed and we kissed her all over. This time instead of laying her back onto the carpet we brought her into bed with us and finished our chapter. I guess Vada wanted to go on her own little adventure tonight.
From the Back Pew
Coming into church today was a bit surreal for me. Everything was familiar, yet somehow everything was also very different. I felt like I needed to reestablish who I was, but didn't. I walked to the roped off section in the back and slid the rope up and over the pew so Vada and I could slip in.
I laid Vada on the cushion of the the pew, letting her remain in a sweet little slumber as well as her snow suit while I began to peal off my own winter weather layers. As I removed my coat I took a deep breath and inhaled the smells of the church.
December was the last time that I come to a service, but it felt much longer than that. I kept up on the sermons with the church pod casts, but I was always behind a week and it wasn't the same as being there.
It was over five months ago that we had brought Vada to church. It was the day of her baptism and the day before the seizures began. Up until today, I had an ongoing fear that this moment would never come. I feared that I would never be bringing Vada back with me. Yet here we were..., and I was smelling..., Wood. My church smelled of distinguished polished wood and other welcoming scents.
The sun shined through the stained glass windows as I remembered, illuminating the sanctuary in a way that light bulbs never could. Its glow wraps me like a blanket and warms me from the inside out. It's beautiful and it is one of my favorite physical things about our church.
As everyone began to arrive I felt a strong desire to cry, but I held it in and put a smile on my face instead. There were people coming in who I wanted to hug and talk with but couldn't. We exchanged knowing smiles, nods and even some air kisses and I began to feel more like I was at home and not just a visitor. However there was still a small part of me that ached. These were friends whom I hadn't been there for. I was feeling ashamed and guilty. I couldn't help but wonder if they truly understood our situation or if they thought ill of me.
My pastors voice brought goosebumps to my flesh like it always has. I welcomed that feeling. He is very passionate about his sermons. His words are strong and can cut through anything, because he speaks the truth. Its refreshing and was what I needed to hear.
When the sermon was over Pastor Ed made an announcement as to why I was sitting behind the rope with Vada. It was subtle and nice and at the same time welcoming to Vada and I. I didn't feel like the wizard behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. He hadn't said to avoid us altogether, just to keep some space as to not over expose Vada.
I sat in our reserved pew for several minutes watching everyone say their goodbyes to each other and then make their way out to go home, or to lunches or whatever else their days may have consisted of. I sat there and continued to breath in the beauty and comfort of the church that I am proud to be a member of.
The people of this church have done so much for my me and my family over these very hard and trying times. There are so many things that I want to tell each and everyone of them. I often rehearse it in my thoughts. I have apologies that I want and need to make to some friends and thanks you's to others. Someday I will say all of these things that continue to linger in my thoughts on a daily basis, but for now, for today, i'll just say that this church is like another home to me..., and its good to be home.
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I had to add these pictures in of Vada napping this morning at church. She was asleep when we got there and then right before we left. However, she was awake and very excited when our choir was singing. It was such a wonderfully proud moment having her there with me.
I laid Vada on the cushion of the the pew, letting her remain in a sweet little slumber as well as her snow suit while I began to peal off my own winter weather layers. As I removed my coat I took a deep breath and inhaled the smells of the church.
December was the last time that I come to a service, but it felt much longer than that. I kept up on the sermons with the church pod casts, but I was always behind a week and it wasn't the same as being there.
It was over five months ago that we had brought Vada to church. It was the day of her baptism and the day before the seizures began. Up until today, I had an ongoing fear that this moment would never come. I feared that I would never be bringing Vada back with me. Yet here we were..., and I was smelling..., Wood. My church smelled of distinguished polished wood and other welcoming scents.
The sun shined through the stained glass windows as I remembered, illuminating the sanctuary in a way that light bulbs never could. Its glow wraps me like a blanket and warms me from the inside out. It's beautiful and it is one of my favorite physical things about our church.
As everyone began to arrive I felt a strong desire to cry, but I held it in and put a smile on my face instead. There were people coming in who I wanted to hug and talk with but couldn't. We exchanged knowing smiles, nods and even some air kisses and I began to feel more like I was at home and not just a visitor. However there was still a small part of me that ached. These were friends whom I hadn't been there for. I was feeling ashamed and guilty. I couldn't help but wonder if they truly understood our situation or if they thought ill of me.
My pastors voice brought goosebumps to my flesh like it always has. I welcomed that feeling. He is very passionate about his sermons. His words are strong and can cut through anything, because he speaks the truth. Its refreshing and was what I needed to hear.
When the sermon was over Pastor Ed made an announcement as to why I was sitting behind the rope with Vada. It was subtle and nice and at the same time welcoming to Vada and I. I didn't feel like the wizard behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. He hadn't said to avoid us altogether, just to keep some space as to not over expose Vada.
I sat in our reserved pew for several minutes watching everyone say their goodbyes to each other and then make their way out to go home, or to lunches or whatever else their days may have consisted of. I sat there and continued to breath in the beauty and comfort of the church that I am proud to be a member of.
The people of this church have done so much for my me and my family over these very hard and trying times. There are so many things that I want to tell each and everyone of them. I often rehearse it in my thoughts. I have apologies that I want and need to make to some friends and thanks you's to others. Someday I will say all of these things that continue to linger in my thoughts on a daily basis, but for now, for today, i'll just say that this church is like another home to me..., and its good to be home.
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I had to add these pictures in of Vada napping this morning at church. She was asleep when we got there and then right before we left. However, she was awake and very excited when our choir was singing. It was such a wonderfully proud moment having her there with me.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tuckered
I have been working very, very hard at keeping Vada awake during the day. I am some what sleep deprived and she tends to think that midnight and three in the morning are the perfect opportunities to play. I love the time that her and I share together but I also enjoy some a little sleep as well. So I am more determined now than ever.
Today was a productive day. We played a lot and Vada was awake the majority of the time with the exceptions of a couple of naps. I was confident that this was the day that I would get her to sleep through the night again. Or at least for several hours in a row.
Boy, was I wrong!
Vada's nightly routine typically goes like this... Dinner, bath, lotion, medications, nurse, play, nurse, a little rocky rock, read and bed. Tonight, her routine went like this... Dinner, bath, snuggling with Daddy and out like a light. Then she was back up at 10 and pretty much awake the rest of the night!
Justin tried to keep her up...
He tried very hard, actually.
It didn't seem to matter though. She had been awake too long and wasn't having anymore of this "awake time".
Today was a productive day. We played a lot and Vada was awake the majority of the time with the exceptions of a couple of naps. I was confident that this was the day that I would get her to sleep through the night again. Or at least for several hours in a row.
Boy, was I wrong!
Vada's nightly routine typically goes like this... Dinner, bath, lotion, medications, nurse, play, nurse, a little rocky rock, read and bed. Tonight, her routine went like this... Dinner, bath, snuggling with Daddy and out like a light. Then she was back up at 10 and pretty much awake the rest of the night!
Justin tried to keep her up...
He tried very hard, actually.
It didn't seem to matter though. She had been awake too long and wasn't having anymore of this "awake time".
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Jasmine and Vada
I am proud of my children for a great many reasons. One thing that fills my heart with an abundance of pride and adoration is Jasmines relationship with Vada. Don't get me wrong, Kiliegh and Vada have a very unique and special bond as well, but there is something about watching Jasmine with Vada that melts me from the inside out. Maybe its because Jasmine and I butt heads so often. Or because Jasmine and Kiliegh are so close in age that they too butt heads, but watching Jasmine interact with Vada on the many levels that she does is like an open window to me. I get to see more of who she is and who she will be.
Vada has a vocabulary that consists of maybe three words (Ma-ma, Da-da and maybe night-night-- I said maybe), but I would be willing to bet that they have plenty of heartfelt conversations together in their own language.
I wonder if they will share late nights full of secrets and stories when they are older. Tonight, Jasmine said to Vada "When I am twenty, you'll be ten and I'll come and get you and we can have a slumber party at my house."
I pray that they are forever this close.
I wonder if their bond will be something that influences choices that Jasmine makes for her own adult life, or even for her career and family. Whatever Jasmine chooses I will support. I know that it will be worthwhile and positive, but I cant help watching them together and seeing such passion coming from Jasmine. Maybe that's just the sisterly bond that I am seeing, or maybe she has a calling that's starting to shine through.
Jasmine took a baby sitting "boot camp" course through our local YMCA over this last winter break. There she learned valuable things about taking care of babies and young children. She came back each day full of new things to talk about.
After the boot camp was finished she was confident in doing more things with Vada. She now helps change her clothes and dirty diapers (even the poopy ones), she has put her to sleep and then placed her gently into her crib. All done without Vada waking up! She even gives her baths and doesn't get soap or water into her eyes.
I grew up as an only child. I don't know what its like to have bickering sibling rivalry, except from watching my own children. I have never had a little sister to boss and push around or one looking up to me. Watching my children and their relationships together is an amazing adventure for me. I am taught through them what it means to be sisters. Which is something that I find valuable in my relationships with my half sisters whom i am now close with.
I realize that there are moments when they are probably wishing that they were an only child. I just hope someday, they see how truly lucky they are not to be and I hope that their bonds always stay strong.
Vada has a vocabulary that consists of maybe three words (Ma-ma, Da-da and maybe night-night-- I said maybe), but I would be willing to bet that they have plenty of heartfelt conversations together in their own language.
I wonder if they will share late nights full of secrets and stories when they are older. Tonight, Jasmine said to Vada "When I am twenty, you'll be ten and I'll come and get you and we can have a slumber party at my house."
I pray that they are forever this close.
I wonder if their bond will be something that influences choices that Jasmine makes for her own adult life, or even for her career and family. Whatever Jasmine chooses I will support. I know that it will be worthwhile and positive, but I cant help watching them together and seeing such passion coming from Jasmine. Maybe that's just the sisterly bond that I am seeing, or maybe she has a calling that's starting to shine through.
Jasmine took a baby sitting "boot camp" course through our local YMCA over this last winter break. There she learned valuable things about taking care of babies and young children. She came back each day full of new things to talk about.After the boot camp was finished she was confident in doing more things with Vada. She now helps change her clothes and dirty diapers (even the poopy ones), she has put her to sleep and then placed her gently into her crib. All done without Vada waking up! She even gives her baths and doesn't get soap or water into her eyes.
I grew up as an only child. I don't know what its like to have bickering sibling rivalry, except from watching my own children. I have never had a little sister to boss and push around or one looking up to me. Watching my children and their relationships together is an amazing adventure for me. I am taught through them what it means to be sisters. Which is something that I find valuable in my relationships with my half sisters whom i am now close with.
I realize that there are moments when they are probably wishing that they were an only child. I just hope someday, they see how truly lucky they are not to be and I hope that their bonds always stay strong.
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