You know that feeling when you are absolutely mortified about something. When the blood seems to have rushed out of your body and you sort of go numb for a fraction of a second. Nausea seems to well up from the very pits of your gut threatening to rear its ugly face only to make a mockery of you once again. Yeh, that feeling. Well I had it, recently and all because of a stupid conversation that probably should have never had happened in the first place.
I was at a friends house and we were talking about one of my daughters and a question was asked about my past. Because this was a closer friend of mine, I answered openly and honestly and then began to get further into detail. This is where I went wrong. 1.) Because this wasn't the place or the time and 2.) There just wasn't enough time to fully explain things properly. I ended up spitting out a name of someone that I "dated", and by dated I mean (at the age of twelve or thirteen and just barely getting into my "troubled teen" stage), held hands with and day dreamed of kissing. However, I said this name and wouldn't have if my husband were around because that would have been rude to him and if he would have done the same with me around I might have put the smack down! (Not really because he would have only been twelve, hello!) So, later when I got home I began really dwelling on this conversation. Did I sound like I was glorifying this stage of my life? Did I sound like I was proud of the crowd I used to run with? What did my friends now think of me and my capabilities of mothering? Just thinking about it again made me sick with worry all over again.
The fact is i'm not proud of my past. On the contrary, i'm proud of who I am today, despite of my past. I have a lot of rough edges left that need to be smoothed and polished and I am hoping that by the time that I reach grandmotherhood i'll be closer to a gem of a person. For now, I am happy with me and what I have over come and who I have became today. Long story short, my daughters inspired me to become a better person all around. I found God again, through them. No joke. The moment I met Jasmine, I looked at her and knew that I was naive to think that there wasn't a God. With Kiliegh, she was in the NICU for a little over five weeks having been born at thirty-two weeks. I saw a strength in her that I never knew was possible and she taught me to be stronger and work harder. And then there was Vada, She made me feel like Justin and I as well and Kiliegh and Jasmine were chosen for something more. And while I am on the subject of God and faith, When I was growing up all I prayed for was a family. Today, I have the most amazing family I could have ever asked for with an amazing husband and father to our children.
I know that this is a bunch or rambling on my behalf but it has been bothering me terribly! Sometimes I tend to open my mouth and spew things that I wish I never had. More often than not! I think that is my reason for having become such a quiet person. That and the saying "If you cant say anything nice don't say anything at all." Sorry, that's the truth too. Anyway, that's a whole other subject! Thanks for letting me ramble once again!