Sunday, December 12, 2010

Closing One Door and Opening Another

Over the last few weeks Justin and I have been talking about me getting back on an antidepressant. Pristiq to be exact. It is the only antidepressant that I have ever used and actually found relief in.

The only problem is that I would have to stop nursing.

I don't want to stop. I'm not ready and truthfully, I don't think that Vada is ready either.

I feel like a failure right now.

I had a plan and this was not part of that plan!

I was going to nurse Vada until she weaned herself off or until after her heart surgery/recovery. What ever came first.

I should be able to look at all that I have and take comfort in it. I do know what I have, so why am I so down? Why cant I bring myself back out of this slump that I am in?

It's like I'm on the outside looking in. I know that the person I am right now is not the person that I use to be and I want to get that person back. What makes the decision even harder is that I know that in three days from starting the medication again I will be that person. I know that with in hours of starting it I will begin to feel better because believe it or not, for me, it works that way.

The me standing on the outside knows that I have an outstanding life and can tell the me that I am right now about all of my many blessings and accomplishments. But the me that I am right now sees only my failures and mistakes.

I feel ungrateful for allowing myself to have become so low. Lazy for not getting more done or having more energy for Justin and the girls. I wonder often, what I must look like to them, from their perspective. Or worse what I must look like to Justin's parents. Do they pity their son's choice for a wife? Do they think of me as ungrateful and lazy?

There is not too much that brings a smile to my face anymore. There's not too much that makes me all warm inside, except Vada, which may sound badly because I have two other daughters and my husband. Right now, however, its just the truth.

If it weren't for Vada I would be fearful of myself because I feel like the only thing that I am doing right is taking care of her and sometimes I even question that.

I feel like a pathetic excuse of a wife to Justin for many reasons and I feel like I am draining his life from him. He calls everyday on his way home from work to see how I am doing and how the girls are behaving and it is always the same thing. I am always overwhelmed and even angry with at least one of the girls. One daughter is being left out because the other cant seem to behave and I have no patience for anything or anyone anymore so its like one giant spiral...,downwards..., every single day.

I feel like my depression is causing the daughter who acts out so strongly to act out. I feel like the daughter that is quick to tear up and that is so shy is that way because I am always arguing with her sister and am making no time for her. Over all, I feel like I am destroying my children right along with my husband.

So the choice should be easy. I should stop being selfish and get back on the medication. Besides, I deserve to feel good about my life too..., right?

Justin says that I would be closing one door (nursing Vada) and opening another (not being depressed and being free to do more because I am not nursing). It's a nice way to look at the situation, but the "big baby" in me comes out around this time in our discussions and I cry and say how unfair this all is. Why should I have to choose? Why cant I just feel good inside like "everyone" else does and still be able to nurse my baby.

Crying about things doesn't help anymore. It is what it is. I just don't know what to do. Well, I know what I should do for Justin and the girls I should get back on an anti depressant so they can have their wife and mom back and I should let go of the nursing. I just hate this all so much! I just want to be "normal"..., whatever that is.

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