For the Love of Bee's

My foster father keeps bee's. When I lived with my foster parents in Cedar Rapids IA I remember seeing some of the hives but I was at an age where I was pretty self consumed and parents were just not "cool", so I don't think that I showed much interest in his hives but today Jasmine and I were able to really get a close up of my dad's beautifully intriguing love for Bee's.

Jasmine went first as I was busy getting Littlest ready for the rest of our day. So Justin actually went with Jasmine and Augie (my foster father, my Dad).

Augie helped Jasmine get into her protective suit so that she couldn't get stung.

Jasmine's new bee keeper fashion attire was topped off with a hat and some spiffy arm length gloves.

To calm the little stingers a light amount of smoke was used before getting into the hives.

I was told that Jasmine was pretty interested in the hives and that there was only one moment of small panic on her behalf. I was pretty impressed and even more proud. 

And then it was my turn. 

I don't think that I have ever really mentioned my fear of bees before, so let me just add for the record, I am insanely afraid of bees. However, today I didn't feel fear. I was calm and my heart was at peace, pumping with its normal rhythmical beats. 

Today, I was with someone who choose to call me his daughter. Who loved me unconditionally and not because he had to but because he wants to. Sharing this moment with him, with my dad and getting to see a passion of his in an up close an personal way, was an experience I will forever treasure as well as be grateful for.

This next part may read as a little strange but its a difficult thing to put into words and I have to go back a little before I can explain...

I grew up with my biological mother until I was in mid second or mid third grade, around that time I was taken out of her custody due to her being extremely mentally ill and incapable of caring for me in a healthy way. I was moved around a lot beginning with temporarily being placed with my grand parents who were my mothers parents. Real placements like foster homes and residential treatment centers followed shortly after. I was in and out of my mothers care a few times before I turned sixteen and by that time I had been in over forty different placements. Somewhere in this time I met Suzan and Augie. They showed up at a treatment center in Cedar Rapids on a volunteer basis. At first it was just Suzan and she played the role that one of those big brother/big sister might play. We often went out for ice cream in the beginning and then became close pals. Suzan and Augie followed me from placement to placement being the only consistent "family" that I knew. Eventually, when the time came they became foster parents so that I could live with them and I did, live with them but my stay was short lived and after about six weeks I was moved into another  placement but by my own fault and nothing to do with them. Yet for some reason, even with my faults and the pain that I caused I still get to be here today with them and we still call each other family. 

Jumping back to today, with Augie and his bees...

I didn't feel even the slightest bit of fear for what I was about to do. As Augie was helping me put on my protective suit Justin kept asking if I was doing okay. He would go back and forth between saying things like how proud he was of me and how he couldn't believe that I was doing what I was about to do. Inside I was calm and it was until this moment as I sit her writing all of this all out for anyone and everyone to read that I realized why I was so calm. 

As Augie helped me into my suit, secured my hat and then helped slip on my gloves I was finally having needs met that I longed for as a child. I had a father protecting me from harm, caring for my well being and loving me. I felt safe. 

Some of you just read that and more than likely rolled your eyes. Your probably thinking that I am some eccentric drama queen and that it was only bee's and you know what, that's okay. I don't expect anyone to get it but that moment was healing to me. 

Something else came from this experience. Jasmine (and Kiliegh sometime this week) have a memory with "Grandpa Augie" a family member from my side. Its something that I cant give them much of but the ones that that they are getting this week will help fill in the void that's there, even if its only a void that I feel.

Ive walked by the bee hives, on my own, three times since I went with Augie. I have stayed on the path that's there, paying special attention so that I didn't disturb them but still getting closer than I normally ever would have done in the not so distant past. Im not afraid of these bees (not that I would know the difference between these bees and the ones flying ten feet away) and I would like to think that its because these bees are my dad's bees and they have a significance far beyond pollinating and making honey. 

Family By Choice

This has been something that has been on my mind since the moment my foster parents left our house this Christmas. Its a hard subject because I feel slightly torn. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and I know that my biological parents may very well read this and quite possibly be hurt by some of what I will write. In the very same thought, I love my foster parents so much that I feel its only right to share my love for them with you.

There is a psychological bond created between a biological child and their parents. A bond that no amount of neglect or abuse will ever break. There is a mental lock internally connecting the three as a single unit even if it is only internally. While I was never put up for adoption I have seen and read about numerous studies/cases where adopted children who have had amazing lives with their adoptive parents still felt that need to find their birth parents. Sometimes, honestly I wish that weren't the truth for me. Sometimes, I wish that it was easy to just let go and say good bye. I wish that that little part of me didn't exist. I don't believe in having or getting "closure" with you biological parents. In my mind there is not key to that lock.

This is where I say "don't get me wrong. I love my birth parents." Because I do. Its that lock I was referring to. No matter what I have endured or lacked. No matter what choices were made or were not made I have always had a place in my heart for my bp's. There has always been a piece of me that has been full of hope and longing. I have always wanted my dad and I have always wanted my mom and in a sense I do "have" them. I just don't actually "have" them as parents. I never really have. Confusing.., I know. What I do have is two people who birthed me and then let others raise me. (I am using the word "let" very loosely. My dad "let", my mom didn't have a choice.)

One great thing that I have received from my bp's are my "parents by choice".

And this is where I tell you how I grew up looking into the crowds of parents during school musical programs and sporting events looking for a glimpse of my mom or dad. I knew that I'd never see them, but I couldn't help but hope.

I remember career day, vaguely. I think that the kids got excused from one day of class to go to work with their choice of one of their parents. I was never able to use that excuse.

I used to envy those children who brought in birthday treats for the whole class. Especially those who's mothers (or fathers) baked something really cool. Like special cookies or decorated cup cakes. I was never dressed nicely, my hair was always a mess and I didn't have someone to teach me about how to be a girl or worse..., boys.

By the time I was sixteen years old I had been in over forty different placement homes. My biological father left when I was young and my biological mother has a mental illness that made it hard for her to have the capability to raise me.

Im not telling you this because I am seeking pity. If you really knew me then you would know that I am not like that. Im telling you this because I am getting to the good part of my story and I needed something to build up the suspense. No silly..., not really..., but isn't there always a storm before the rainbow? Well, in my case there was... a lot of storms, but I did get one beautiful rainbow in the end...

When I was around 11 years old I was in a placement home called Tanager Place. Back then it was a "throw all" for all sorts of children. Over all I thought it was an okay place. However, that's looking back, when I was there I couldn't get out soon enough!

Anyway, I was there for months, im not for sure how long in totality. There I met a sweet lady named Suzan who donated a piece of her free time to a young girl whom I will call "C". Suzan seemed to come once a week to visit with C and for some reason (I think it was my charm) Suzan took an interest in me. For the longest time Suzan and I did things together. Mostly, I remember Dairy Queen and crafts, at least in that stage of our relationship.

Eventually, Suzan's husband Augie started to visit with me as well and from then on they have been in my life. They followed me from one placement to the next. Teaching me how to cook and showing me the artistic values of a good sunrise.

They watched me self destruct as a child who was angry with the world and then develop into a woman who graduated college and made something of herself. My foster father walked me down the isle at my wedding (and helped me catch my breath along the way). My foster mother has talked to me for hours at a time on the phone about everything and nothing all at the same time. They have met not one but all of my children and haven't forgotten a birthday once. They have taught me about love and forgiveness as well as family and acceptance. Somewhere along the way I lost my birth parents but because of that I gained my parents by choice.

I believe that God has a plan. I hate that I don't know what his plan for me is or why he has choose for me to have the life that I have had or have now, but I know that God gave me Suzan and Augie. The parents I never had but was meant to get. (The funny thing is, when I re-read that last sentence, I couldn't help but wonder if I hadn't really always had them in the first place.- A real "there's no place like home" moment.)

This Christmas one of the greatest gifts was to be able to visit with Augie and Suzan. They were coming from Texas to get together with their biological children. They were all meeting up in a city fairly near by so they asked if they could come here too. I was so nervous that they would get sick and then we would miss another visit with them. (About a month prior Suzan was going to come but was exposed to an illness and we were too afraid of V possibly catching something, so we had to decline on seeing her that time.)



I cant tell you how good it was to have them here. I was really struggling with the depression and as odd as it may sound, I needed them here. Augie sat on the couch next to me for awhile and we all talked about random things while the girls played together. It took my mind off of the aching that I was feeling inside and for the first time that I have ever remembered I got that feeling that I have always wanted. The pride of having Augie hold and kiss my baby for the first time. The pride of watching Suzan play with my children. and the humor I felt watching Augie put the Polly Pocket toy together for Kiliegh. There was no uncomfortably for me. There was no awkward silences. No fake moments of playing nice that I often have had with my bp's. I felt as if I had known them my whole life. Funny enough..., I have known them for well over half of it!



There was something extra special about this Christmas. Maybe it was all of the hardships that we have gone through over the past two years. Maybe it was just watching my parents play with our children. Or maybe it was the realization that Jasmine is about the age I was when I first met them. What I know for sure is that this year, I watched my parents play with our children and it was wonderful.


We are not family by blood. Not even by marriage. We are family by choice and for the rest of my life I will forever be grateful that they chose me.