Blessed

It's seven in the morning. Ive been up for about an hour now. Vada politely woke me with her "Ma. Ma. Ma" plea's for breakfast. We're making progress in the solid food eating area. Some meals Vada may only take one to two bites and others she may take several but she is beginning to swallow the foods and that is huge. Ive realized that there are some "tricks" that come along with meal times, I now realize that I have to get her at just the right time. She can't be too tired and there has to be a good amount of time before she last nursed. I try to always plan these time to happen around the same times that we as a family eat out meals and I always bring her a variety of foods to try out. Some days she prefers the softness of a puree and others she likes the chunkiness of some fresh cut up fruit, were always offering new textures and tastes and it seems to be working. I'm still figuring it all out and so is she.  Every step is a step in the right direction and all progress is celebrated, no matter how small the progress may seem.

Right now, Vada is laying next to me, were snuggled up on the couch. She fell back asleep just a few moments ago. We have the windows cracked and the ceiling fans on and the breeze is making her fine hair float back and forth in the air like feathers. Every now and again that long patch on the top of her head will float in my direction, its persistence is almost like torture, but her warmth and sweet breath makes the tickling sensations worth it. I love these moments.

Jasmine and Kiliegh are still in bed, asleep and now that Vada is resting soundly again I get to enjoy the quiet sounds of my morning. I love how peaceful it can be. We live in the middle of the city so cars have become a piece of my white noise that and the birds. I do enjoy their songs. Vada gets up quite a lot during the nights still, making moments like this rare. Usually, I am too tired and I too go back to sleep when she does. Sleep is good and it is something that I need to really catch up on but tranquil mornings like this does my body some good as well.

I haven't gone to church in a few weeks. I haven't done my women's Bible study in over two years and haven't helped with the youth group for even longer. I have slipped from reading the Bible, for no other reason other than not making time to do so and I know that I need to be making God a part of my everyday. A good friend of mine suggested that I read from Psalms, so I have begun that as well as a Bible study on that particular book. That's my next step this morning, now that I have two hands and some "alone time".

I let the girls sleep until 9 and then wake them. Which gives me another hour and a half to be in this moment. I wonder if I should let them sleep until they wake themselves, it is summer break and we have no where to go but for whatever reason, I wake them. The girls don't seem to mind. They get up, make their beds, eat breakfast, brush their teeth and go outside to play. They run around the neighborhood all day and when it's too hot to do that they go to the pool. I can't wait to go to the pool with them and to bring Vada along. We're almost through with the home bound-ness. There are a lot of things that I am looking forward to doing once that veil has been  lifted but I will forever be grateful for this extra time that I have been given with Vada, no matter what the cause for it was.

This morning's plans, weather permitting, are not ideal for the girls but it'll be good for them and for us to do together. After breakfast were going to all go outside and pull the weeds from our garden and flower area. Sounds like fun, right? It's a chore that has been overlooked for so long and needs to be done!

Justin had mulch delivered a couple of days ago but because of his work schedule he has been unable to get to it. I may attempt  laying some of it out while the girls are clearing the area, we'll see what Vada thinks. It's amazing the things that I can do while wearing her verses having her sit on the floor and play. She enjoys being in that close knit pouch and I like having her there. It's kind of fun.

I am going on day six of a seriously sore throat and some ear issues/sinus pain. Yesterday, I called Justin's mom and asked her is she would sit with the girls while I went to the walk-in clinic. I didn't want to bring them with me for fear that they would catch something from being there. The doctor said I basically have nothing more than a sore throat and to gargle with warm salt water. I feel foolish for even going and a bit irritated today that a soar throat is all that I have because it hurts so bad! I am waiting for the Tylenol to kick in. I can barely open my mouth but I have been sipping on some hot coffee and it's warmth is helping, some. I am grateful that whatever it is that's causing the soreness is seeming to me not contagious! The last thing I need is a house full of sickies-let alone, a sick baby!

Everything else is going pretty smoothly. Vada is healing amazingly. She sits up from laying down all on her own now. She has done it three times this last week. She cut her seventh tooth on Tuesday and then her eighth yesterday. Kiliegh had a serious ear infection that took two separate antibiotics and two and a half weeks of being on them to get the infection to clear up but it finally has. Justin has re-built his single speed bike and is thrilled about it. He plans on riding it to his second job on Friday. My depression is still here, still strong but I am trying really hard to push through it. I feel quite pathetic about it honestly. I have to push myself really hard to get anything done and I am so tired already. I have these plans in my head, I think them up each night as I am trying to go to sleep. I compile a list of things that I would like to do, things that I know will make me feel better, like exercising. Things that I know I need to do, like the dishes and laundry and then things to do with the girls, like crafts, board games and going to parks. Then when the morning comes feel as if I can barely get a start ignited. Today, I plan on doing more than I did yesterday and I have a good start already so things are looking hopeful. I know what I have and I feel as if it's the world. Knowing the truth is huge and feeling it is a task but I know that I am blessed and I am grateful for the gifts that God has given to me and to my family. I know that I am one blessed woman. I have a God that loves me unconditionally, three beautiful, amazing daughters and a wonderful husband and I will continue to tell myself that each and everyday.

This Is Your Life

Here's the deal. I quit taking the Pristiq already. I started taking it on the 18th and took it on the 19th-23rd. The 23rd being my last day.

Did it not help?
No, it did I was actually feeling a lot better. So much so that I am now scared to start feeling the way I was before I began the medication. Truthfully I don't want to ever feel that way again.

So why did I stop taking it? Because I am confused.

Vada was doing alright with the bottle in the beginning. On the 16th I attempted all "day" to give Vada breast milk in a bottle. I didn't nurse her once and she didn't eat once. I have been told by several..., several people that eventually a baby will get hungry enough and take the bottle. However, this is my baby, and im weak. So, by "bed time" I was nursing her and I nursed her all night. I knew that in the morning I would try again and that this was quite possibly the last time to be close like this with her so I really embraced the nursing and her.

On the 17th (Friday), I began again and the very first bottle she took! I took it as a sign. It was time. I was saddened and relieved because she had done so well and soon I would be feeling well.

On the 18th I took my first pill and she was still doing alright. I was pretty out of it from the medication (which for me is typical for the first three days). Half way through the day we were out of the hand suppressed breast milk and we switched to formula and she stopped taking the bottle.

On the 19th (Sunday), she started to take the bottle with the formula and all seemed well. I was beginning to be more alert, but I was still very tired.

Things over all seemed to be progressing nicely. It was a slow process. There were times that she wouldn't drink at all and others where she would. I was and still am concerned with the amount that she is eating. As of right now she is taking maybe six ounces of formula with in a twenty four hour time period. Justin thinks that she will do better, I think that she is not doing well enough now, as it is.

Anyway, this last Thursday Vada and I went to Peoria to meet once again with the neurologist. Vada unfortunately had to make two trips to the lab that day for blood work. Each time after the draws were done I would pick her up and she would immediately stop crying and start searching. She would pull at my shirt, say "ma-ma" and would rub her head right where she was used to finding her comfort. It broke my heart.

Ever since she has regressed with the bottle and I have stopped taking the medication. I want to nurse her so badly. I want her to eat and be healthy and find the comfort when and where she needs it. I want her to have energy again and to be awake and play more.

But..., I want to feel good too. Not just feel good with her and while I am nursing but over all with everything. I want to be me still. I want the girls to have their mom and my husband to have his wife. The one that jokes and laughs and does really stupid bouncing dances when I get excited (dont ask). I want them to be happy too. I want a clean house and the energy to clean it. I want to find joy in all o the things that I once enjoyed doing. I don't want to be this blob of a person that I am when I am not on the Pristiq.

Now I am right back where I was. Only its almost worse than before. (not the depression part, just the decision making part) Tomorrow is the day that I can start to breast feed again. (I called a pharmacist and found out the half life of the medication.) So the choice is mine. If I start to breast feed her again. If I do start then I will probably ruin any progress that I have made with the bottle, not that we have made much progress anyway and I would be nursing her which would be great. Or, I can continue to bottle feed her and get back on the Pristiq. Either way the time is now to choose because I am going to dry completely and then the option is no longer an option. Justin says that he supports what ever I choose and I believe him, but I know that he wants me back the way that I used to be too. Who could blame him. He deserves to be happy too.

Am I making too big of a deal out of this? Is it that obvious and I am just over thinking things?

There may be other factors to consider in this mess. Vada has been sleeping a lot. It could be because she is not "eating" enough, or it could be her heart, or it could even be the Valporic Acid that she is taking. (VA can effect the liver and make the Pneumonia levels increase, causing sleepiness along with other serious side effects.-We are waiting for the lab results from Thursday to let us know if everything is okay.) She is not "eating" nearly enough, at least I don't think that she is. She hasn't ate solids in over a month now and she's not taking in an comparable amount to what Jasmine and Kiliegh were eating at ten months. But then, is it really fair to compare her to them? We have no idea what she would normally "eat" anyway. She has been through so much lately with medications that this may be her normal. We have been told that infants who have Down syndrome are typically smaller than babies their age who do not have Ds. She has lost weight lately, maybe she is just getting down to her "normal" size and this is her normal eating pattern? I almost feel like that is wishful thinking.

There's one more thing. Is there really any "safe" medication out there that wont be secreted through the breast milk? There are a lot of "what if's" with that single question.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like my brain and my heart are in a battle and I don't know which side to take.

I wish that life really did come with instructions. I wish that we were given a book at birth called "This is Your life". Each day we would open the book up and like an daily affirmation it would tell us what to do. Although..., that may make for a pretty boring life and I wouldn't want to see my future all of the time so maybe it could be something like a magic eight ball. Yeah, that would be perfect. Shake it up. Ask it my question and get a clear answer. I have so many questions right now and I really need answers.

Hopefully, tomorrow I will have a better "feeling". I plan on calling Peoria first thing in the morning for the results of all of the labs that were done on Thursday. My doctor who prescribes the antidepressants is gone for over a month on her own personal medical leave so I am going to call my family doctor and try to get in right away to see her. Originally she is the one who gave me the Pristiq, so I am slightly hopeful that she will have another idea for me. Who knows, maybe I can do both.