Missing my Mom

Today I read a random post on Facebook. It had a photo of a car accident attached with it and there was of a story about a child wanting to buy a doll for his sister, who had also died along with his mother in that same car accident -the accident was caused by a drunk driver, just like my mom's death. I cried a lot while reading this story. It was a sad and touching story that had multiple meanings but everything about it reminded me of my mom and as I read it I not only felt a sadness from the loss of my own mother but an anger towards Christina (the girl who killed my mom in the accident, I know her name because it was in all of the reports).

I would be lying if I said that I haven't looked Christina up online or even on Facebook because I have. I wanted to put a face to her name, to the person who took my mom from me and I have been able to just that through Facebook. Over the past three months I have silently visited her Facebook page. I know this probably makes me sound like I am crazy but I just cant explain why I keep doing it. (I will never actually contact this girl because in my mind it's not the right thing to do.) but I miss my mom so much and it hurts every. single. day. So, sometimes I go to Christina's page and I really do want to write to her, I want to ask this girl if she knows that she caused another persons death, my mother's death. I want to scream at this girl and ask her what she was thinking and of all things why? Other days I actually want to ask her (Christina) if she is doing okay because I know if I caused another persons life to be abruptly taken, I would not be! However, when I look at Christina's Facebook page she posts pictures of herself looking happy and living life- seemingly moving on and it's more than I can take right now. A great deal of me needs to know that she is not happy about what she did and while I am not proud of that part of myself,  I would be lying if I said anything different.

Ultimately, I just want HER BACK! I WANT MY MOM! and no one can ever give her back to me. No amount of money can make up for what was stolen when Christina decided to get into her vehicle drunk and drove the night she took my mothers life. Nothing can. I keep saying "when this is all over and Christina is finally prosecuted my mom will be at peace", but I think what I really mean is that I will be at peace because regardless of the penalties or fines that Christina may be charged with, nothing will ever be enough to make it okay or better -not in this case. Nothing will ever bring my mother back to me. However, when this is all over and through the grace of God, I may be able to find more peace about my mom, the way she was taken from me and her family and my feelings towards Christina, the person who killed her. Until then, my days, each and everyone feel like its own battle.

Summertime Grillin'

I can handle the heat of our Midwest summers but the humidity is something that tends to keep me indoors and hiding behind (or in) the air conditioning. On the days when the humidity is low I do venture outdoors and enjoy the warmth of the season. I truly do enjoy being outdoors-it's just a conditional relationship and I know that all too soon I will be complaining (even if only internally) that it is too cold! So, today Justin and I, at the very last moment decided to not only go to the park but to also grill and have our dinner there as well. Which, by the way, was a fabulous idea!

It took us all of ten minutes of frantic running throughout the house to grab the essentials and then we packed up the car and headed out.

With three children and a husband who are all on different schedules, planning our events, tends to be the only way that we can make "outings" run smoothly. However, a little spontaneity here and there does us all good! Its fun to throw caution to the wind and to "go with the flow" even if today that only meant that we were all taking an unplanned trip to the park.

The only thing that we did end up forgetting was some bug spray and a pan to cook the beans in. Luckily, there was a gas station near by that carried some bug repellant and we ended up sitting the can of beans directly onto the grill. The beans ended up being my favorite part out of our whole meal. I had never had them cooked like that and the smoke from the flames had changed the flavoring in the yummiest way!

I truly love these moments of "family together time". My heart always feels as its glowing from the inside out. Its possible that the summer heat may also have something to do with that feeling. Or indigestion fro the beans? Anyway, its kind of funny how something as simple as going to the park with my whole family can rejuvenate me (and sometimes wear me out all at the same time). Getting away from our everyday hustle and bustle can be so refreshing!

 

When I was little and in foster homes I prayed for days and moments like these.

I prayed for a husband who would love me for who I was and who would treat our children with tenderness.

I prayed for family to play with, explore with, discover life together with and to grow old with.

I find it odd that when I was young I would pray for these things but when I was a teenager (who of course knew everything), I didn't think that I needed anyone, including God to feel happy or complete. Around the single digit age I would pretend to be the "mommy" in all of my games and as a teenager I had always said that I wouldn't be one.Yet here I am, a wife and a mother of three beautiful and amazing girls. While there are days that I go to bed crying from pure exhaustion and (or) frustration there are many more uplifting and positive days, like this one, that reboot me and keep me going strong.

I love being a wife and I love being a mother.  I don't know how I could ever live my life any other way than this. There are many times that I have found myself wondering what did God put me on this earth for. What's my purpose or my calling? Truthfully, I think I am actually doing what He has called me to do. I may not be doing it the exact way that He had originally planned for me to do it and I have made my fair share of daily mistakes but sometimes I feel like God intended me to be a stay at home mother. He intended for me to be what I never had. On really hard days I like to tell myself that this is a possibility and it makes it a bit easier to endure.

I prayed for my days to be full of life, love and happiness and boy has my prayers been answered!

Nothing a Little Dye Won't Fix

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was going into the hospital twice a week for NST's. My trips to and from the hospital were my only "outings" and my only times that I was able to get out of bed (Besides the obvious bathroom breaks.). Every day that I drove to our local hospital I drove past Toys R Us and Target-two stores that I really enjoy shopping at. I so wanted to go inside the stores and look at baby "stuff". At this point I had done very little baby shopping and I had defiantly begun the "nesting" phase of the pregnancy, well before I had began the NST's. Everyday that I drove past the two stores the "itch" became a little harder to scratch-so to speak.

Finally, one day, on the way home I pulled into the parking lot of Toys R Us and sat in my car contemplating on if I should take the risk and just go on in. I played the scenario in my head. I would only go in for five minutes. No, I would allow myself ten. Scratch that. I would need at least fifteen minutes to properly scan the baby section. (Yeah, right!) I probably sat in my car for a good half an hour before I decided that I just couldn't risk it. I was disappointed but I knew that if something (anything) did happen with the pregnancy, even if it were a week or two down the road, I would blame myself and my choice to shop when I was suppose to be on strict bed rest. The same day that I sat in my car battling with the idea of shop or not to shop, I went home and got online-and I shopped. I ordered Sophie the Giraffe which I had originally seen in the Mothering magazine that I get, a couple of really cute outfits and a beautiful knitted unbleached organic cotton blanket.

Blankets seem to be the number one gift that people give. Everyone seems to find the cutest of cute when it comes to them. I too, have gave my fair share of cute ones and never complain when a new one comes my way! Baby blankets are a lot like shoes-you can never have enough! Over the last two years we have received a lot of blankets as gifts and truthfully, I have kept them all. Justin's Grandmother has made Vada several blankets (and sweet hats and dresses that all go together), my Grandmother has as well. Annie made Vada a sweet heart blanket, Rhonda from Mud Puddle Roo's (ONE GREAT LITTLE SHOP!) also gave Vada a beautiful blanket and there are many others to add to this list. I can easily say that Vada is well stocked on beautiful and meaningful blankets and we use them all or we will use them at some point in time.

 The blanket that I had ordered however, seemed to be the one that was always grabbed (That and one of Grandma's). I used it to lay Vada on. I used it to cover her up while I was nursing her (After I gave my Hooter Hider away.) I used it to keep her warm, to keep the girls warm and to keep me warm as well. It was a well loved and extremely well used blanket!

At one point in time the blanket went from unbleached to bleached and then bleached again...and again. Still being a beautiful blanket-just a bit whiter than its original color, it traveled with us wherever we went. Because we did use it on a very regular basis I felt that it should go to the hospital with us during Vada's heart surgery. I knew it would probably get some stains on it at some point in time but then I figured I would just bleach it again. What I didn't consider was Iodine. Bleach does not remove iodine from fabrics-in case you were wondering-I tried and tried and for the heck of it I tried one more time before admitting defeat.

I hated that I had these ugly stains on Vada's once beautiful blanket. I felt as if I couldn't take it in public anymore because it looked dirty. I knew that I couldn't justify going out and buying a new one because we have so many others to take its place. Not willing to throw the blanket away I held onto it and for the last couple of weeks it has sat on top of one of my dryers in the laundry room.

Two days ago Justin happened to be standing with me as I was doing a load of whites. He noticed the blanket on top of the dryer and asked if I wanted to wash it with the rest of the load. I began to explain the situation  and told him why I was having a hard time letting this blanket go. I guess, the blanket  has become somewhat of a comfort to me-probably more so than I claim it to be for Vada.  After telling Justin why I was holding onto the blanket he suggested that because I liked tie dyed things that I should attempt to dye the blanket. The next day I bought a kit, brought it home and we began the project of saving Vada's/Momma's blanket!

We began dying the blanket around four in the afternoon. The kit said to let it sit for at least twelve hours after completely covering what areas we wanted to be colored.  The funny thing is that this morning around two, when I was nursing Vada, I did the math in my head. It had only been about ten hours! Needless to say, I was excited to see what Justin and I had created together. So, once he got home this morning I asked if he wanted to go out and take off the rubber bands, rinse off the blanket and check it out. He was excited too, so he needed no real persuasion.

 The blanket ended up beautifully! Much brighter and even louder than it once was but its one of a kind and Justin and I did it together for our baby girl and some what for me as well.

On a final note, I want to thank my Jazzy girl for her help with this project. She took some really good pictures while Justin and I were in the dying process and she also pushed Vada on the swing while keeping her entertained so that we could focus on finishing things up quickly. Thanks sweetie, without you we wouldn't have been able to do the whole project..., including this post! You Rock and I Love You!

Smelling Sweetness and Other Random Things

Over the past several days I have been thinking a lot about writing. I have been making a list and adding to it every day with different things to write about, catch up on and even things that will correspond with pictures that I have taken (and some that won't). I keep pushing writing off, telling myself that I will have time to "catch up" when im in the hospital, after everyone has gone home and its just V and I. On several occasions I have sat down to begin one of the many things on that particular list. However, when I do, reality becomes more clear and I am flooded with emotions that I am just not ready to feel or face at the moment. Right now, all I  want to do is humbly bow my head, fade ever so slightly into the mix and get to the other side.

Over the last couple of weeks I have found myself inhaling longer and harder when Vada is in my arms. I like catching a breath of her sweetness and holding that breath in just a little longer than usual. It's that same sweetness that I thought I would never inhale when I was pregnant with her. I don't ever want to miss her smell.

Weather she is reaching up to touch her daddy's face, falling asleep with Grandpa in his chair or playing with her sisters I can not help but to see these once everyday actions differently now. I find myself praying to God continuously, asking for moments such as these to not be last moments.

Daddy plays the guitar and sings for Vada and she loves it!

Best Buddies. Grandpa and Vada.

Vada and Grandpa. I took this with my cell, but had to show it off because they are so cute together.

She is really finding her voice now. She uses pitches and volumes that I never knew existed and she still makes them sound as if they are coming from an angel, even at three in the morning. She is getting up on all fours and holding a stand when she can place her hands on something to steady herself. She signs for "Mama" and "Dada". Although she doesn't bring her thumb to her chin or forehead yet, but clearly she knows the hand movement and bangs her tiny thumb whenever we come into a room. She calls me "Dada" and Justin "Mama", at least when we are altogether and we think its because we are always saying the opposite and somehow have confused our titles. She knows us regardless and this is just another sweet part of her that makes my heart beat faster.

Her laugh is priceless.

With two days left I find myself not wanting to let her go, not wanting to let her out of my sight even. She is cutting more teeth and is "needy" so in a round about way I guess that I am getting what I want because she only wants me, the majority of the time.

She knows where the tub is and what it's used for...she wanted her bath!

I love giving her baths in the kitchen sink..

Justin and I have found ourselves arguing about some of the most ridiculous things lately and we are not the arguing type. Stress and the unknown has gotten to us but for the most part we are holding up and it is certainly not a "trouble in paradise" type of situation. The past couple of days we have been making more conscience efforts to spend one on one time with each other in the evenings when he gets home from work. Usually, were all here with each other but this is time that him and I sit down with each other. The last two nights we have watched a movie with each other before he had to go to bed for work in the morning. Its not like were sitting there talking deeply abut anything, were just together and it comforting. Today his work had a family day. His dad, two of his friends and I came and took the tour. It was a slow day so we were lucky enough to have him as our own personal tour guide. It was really nice.

This is how her hair grows...

Jasmine hasn't said much over all, in regards to Vada's up coming surgery. Maybe I should have brought up the surgery in front of the girls more often than I did and maybe I should have asked how the girls were feeling in regards to the surgery more but I didn't want to push the subject. Jasmine is at her grandparents for the weekend, for her visitations with her bio., she left yesterday but called last night, crying. She was ready to talk about her feelings. I am glad that Jasmine finally did come to me. After talking for some time we let each other go for the night. I think that when we ended our conversation she was in a better place than when we first began talking.

Yes, Vada has a black eye. Compliments of mommy and the vacuum cleaner... :(

Sometimes choosing one picture is just too hard...

Kiliegh seems to be the one who is the wisest or at the very least taking it all in the easiest.Twice she has made comments that if I were alone would have brought to my knees. Luckily, both comments were made in the car where she was behind me and couldn't see the tears that had filled my eyes. Once was when she was talking to her friend about the surgery. She had stopped in the middle of the conversation and asked me if Vada could die during the surgery. I answered with what I believed to be the truth. I said that I didn't think that she would die but that it was a possibility. I said that it was God's choice and that I didn't know what his plan for Vada was or is. I told her that our job was to keep praying and to have faith. Before I could say anything more she looked up towards the sky and said "No God, don't you dare! Don't you take her." and then responded to me with what I was unable to finish saying, "The surgery could save her life too, right." It was more of a statement than a question, which I replied to with, "That's right".

One of the sweetest girls I know. I am so blessed to be able to say that she is my daughter.

We put Vada back into seclusion over a week ago to help protect her from catching something else prior to her surgery. She had had a cough since we took the girls to Grand Harbor, which was around three weeks ago and we were really concerned that if it didn't go away the surgery would be postponed until it did.  She had actually been on an antibiotic, due to a possible ear infection, but the cough survived through the medication. This last Monday the cardiologist put her on Lasix and with in two days the cough was gone. Now we are being cautious with where she goes and who she around.

In her swing from her Uncle Aaron and Aunt Calder.

Arrangements have been made covering what seems like all aspects of our lives and everything other than the real issue(s) with our dog (which is a whole other story) have been covered. With less than two days left until we leave for Peoria there's not much left for us/me to do, which is comforting and also why I am sitting here writing again.

Her first bite of a cookie.

Kiliegh has her first dance recital tomorrow and thanks to a special friend who will be coming to sit with Vada I will be able to attend her program. I have plans to make banana bread to send with Jasmine. (It's one of her favorite things to eat for breakfast.) I have to help cut Justin's hair, pay the bills and pack a few last minute items, like my toothbrush and toothpaste and that's basically it. I'm not ready for this journey but im ready. Personally, am just eager to get Vada back home...and we haven't even left yet.